Final Fantasy Survivor
by PinkApocalypse
Summary: Ever wonder what would if Final Fantasy VII and VIII were stuck on the same island? Well wonder no more as 16 lovable FF characters from Cloud to Squall and Caith Sith to Fujin, duel to the death - I mean vote each other off in the ultimate game of Survi
1. Welcome to Fantasy Island!

Disclaimer: As always Final Fantasy is not ours, nor are the characters sigh they STILL belong to Square

_ _

_ _

_Disclaimer:_ As always Final Fantasy is not ours, nor are the characters sighthey _STILL_ belong to Square!_Survivor_ is not ours either!!Damn they won't give us anything!!!!!!

_Warning_:There will be intense Rinoa bashing – not for the weak of heart… heh heh heh – get it heart – Heartilly!!!That's funny laugh with me people!

FINAL FANTASY SURVIVOR

By: The Pink Apocalypse

Sha the Confused

and Robinc

Primordial chanting begins as the Survivor theme music blares in the background and the words sixteen Final Fantasy characters, forty two-days, one survivor flash across the screen. Beautiful scenes of a tropical island flash before your eyes and the words Neves Tribe appear followed by a clip of a white hair man with piercing aqua eyes standing, staring at the camera as flames lap up around him and the name Sephiroth appears across the bottom of the shot.The image of an immaculately groomed young man in a white trench coat fades in and as the name Rufus appears the Shinra Electric Power company logo flashes subliminally in the background.Next the camera focuses on a snap shot of a gruff blond pilot clenching a cigarette between his teeth as the word Cid comes into focus.The image of a spiky haired man named Cloud staring off dazed into the distance, a girl clad in pink sitting in a field of tropical flowers with the word Aeris embossed on the image, and a young ninja named Yuffie wiz by.For a moment the camera rests on the image of a luscious woman with long chocolate hair as the Survivor music stops abruptly to be replaced by the theme from Baywatch while Tifa runs down the beach.Suddenly the camera shakes as someone smacks the cameraman upside the head and the face of a cat envelops the screen.The camera zooms out as a cat riding a giant pink mog comes into view with the name Cait Sith beneath the image.

A raging waterfall replaces the image of the cat and the phrase Thgie Tribe materializes.A shot of a cocky man in a gray coat with a red cross on the arm sitting with his legs folded comes into view.The word Seifer appears and the camera shakes as someone smacks the cameraman again and yells "Higher stupid you've decapitated the shot!"The camera shifts again and you can see the young blonde's arrogant smile.An image a cowboy laying in the grass with a butterfly perched on the tip of his finger flashes by with the word Irvine.It is replaced by a picture of a picture of a young blonde woman with the name Quistis written across the top of the image.Footage of a smiling brunette clad in blue pointing up at the sky named Rinoa fade in as a bird flies into a nearby fan and feathers fill the screen.Next the images of a short white haired woman and a tall dark man standing back to back with the words Fujin and Ruijin wiz by.For a moment a photo of a tall sulky brunet man with blue eyes comes into view with the name Squall scribbled across the top.Finally the camera settles on the image of a tattooed blonde running toward the camera from a moment the name Zell blazes across the screen until the image fades to black as his head collided with the camera.

The camera fades in from black again as an image of a blonde man with a swishing monkey tail comes into view.Hi I'm your host Zidane Tribal and this is Final Fantasy Survivor.There will be two teams:the Neves tribe from Final Fantasy Seven and the Thigie tribe from Final Fantasy Eight.The last one left standing-no I mean, the last person who gets the most questions right-no wait, I meant the last one on the island-alright that's not right, because the jury will still be on the island and I'll most certainly still be on the island, and our dedicated camera crew- Biggs and Wedge will still be on the island-or they won't get paid. Wait, let me try that again.The last person not VOTED off the island- _yes that's right_- The Soul survivor will receive…. _casts his head to the ground thinking "I forgot what they'll receive"_a "prize" _gosh I'm good_, a wonderful surprise, that will be revealed at the end of the show.These sixteen castaways sitting behind me will be flung out of the plane- which I'm standing in - and will land in freezing cold water full of vicious sharks and starved piranhas, then they must swim to the shore collecting everything they'll need for the next forty-two days and nights.

At the mention of being thrown out of a plane Seifer's head snaps saying, "Wait, I didn't sign up for this!!"Zidane, sensing he's about to have a revolt on his hands, points out the plane shrieking, "Look it's Shiva, she just dropped her ribbon!"Before finishes the sentence all the men stampede towards the door, Irvine actually jumping out. Cloud turns and says, "Wait, I don't see anything-" as Zidane quickly sidesteps the gawkers allowing them to tumble to the shark infested waters below.After watching her other two posse members throwing themselves out the door, Fujin sighs, "MEN" and reluctantly jumps out of the plane after them.Rinoa looks at her fingers distractedly and notices that her favorite fingernail was broken.She quickly run towards the door shrieking, "SQQQUUUAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!Help me!!!" as she too jumps through the threshold.Zidane turns towards the remaining women and states, "Aren't you going to join them?"Yuffie lifts her head defiantly and barks, "Not for all the material in Wutai!"Zidane looks out the window and says, " Is that something shiny down there?"Yuffie quickly looks up and yells, "Gimme!!"and jumps out the plane. Zidane smiles, obviously proud of himself for being not only handsome and strong, but clever as well -obviously gods gift to women._Would you look at that, jumping out of planes at the sound of your voice, you dog. _He turns his attention towards Tifa.Thinking that he should be at the island before them, she'll be awfully cold in only a tank top and a mini skirt.Zidane smiles evilly at Tifa and turns his head towards Aeris."Aeris, aren't you going out to help your boyfriend?I'm sure he will feel forever indebted to his true love for saving his life."Tifa looks up, competition quickly dissolving her common sense as both women sprint for the door.Quistis seeing that she's the last one in the plane, rolls her eyes and says, "Spare me" as she jumps out the plane.Zidane quickly kicks their supplies out after them and turns back to the camera.

"And so, Final Fantasy Survivor begins.Tune in next week as our tale of live human drama continues.No rigs, no cheats, just pure will to survive on the island closest to Hell."

As the camera light goes out Zidane says to the camera man, "Who the heck would try do a show like this?Must be Garnet, I remember her saying she was bored the other day.Besides, she's the only one with enough to fund this crazy show."Biggs and Wedge look at each other confused.Both simultaneously thinking that as long as they get paid and survive the first disc, they're happy.

***Authors' Notes*** 

_ _

_General Info:_

_ _

Host: Zidane Tribal

Camera Men:Biggs and Wedge 

Seven Tribe: **Neves**

_Characters:__Luxury Items List_

Sephiroth Lighter Fluid

Rufus Shinra Flag

Cloud Hair Spray

Tifa Wonder Bra

Aeris Diary

Yuffie Materia

Cait Sith Mog

Cid One Pack of Cigarettes (thought he'd only be on their for a day) 

Eight Tribe: **Thgie**

_Characters:__Luxury Items List:_

Squall Lionheart

Rinoa Squall (that's why he brought his sword)

QuistisHer Favorite Self-Help Book

Zell T-board (which he never uses)

IrvinePorno Magazines

Seifer Hyperion (because Squall brought his)

Raijin Fishing Pole

Fujin Picture of Seifer

*** (I lied before) **Authors Notes*****

Contrary to popular belief we don't hate these characters – in fact we love them – even Rinoa!Sha and Kree hold down a sceaming Jen as she shouts "Die Rinoa - FUJIN FOREVER!!!!!!Its all in the name of science.. er um .. I mean humor!

Please R and R!We like reviews, reviews are good all smile and we usually honor requests!!

_ _


	2. Fun With Fire

Final Fantasy Survivor

Disclaimer:All this stuff is still not ours! 

Final Fantasy Survivor 

Chapter Two: Fun With Fire!!!!!

By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the Confused, and Robinc

~Cue Survivor Music~

The sun is setting on the tropical paradise.A beautiful, luscious woman with chocolate brown hair, dripping with turquoise beads of water, steps out of the surf.She flips her head back gracefully, her clothes sticking to her ample frame, amplifying every seductive move.The camera turns to our host, Zidane Tribal, his mouth hanging open, drooling with desire, his tail flipping back and forth moving faster then a human eye can follow.He quickly turns to the camera and says, "Welcome to the Playboy Swimsuit Special – I mean Survivor!Our two tribes first task is to build themselves a shelter which they will inhabit until the merger.If you look behind me you will see a slightly mauled Neves Tribe pulling itself out of the water with the supplies they were able to wrestle away from the sharks."

The camera pans over to the Neves focusing on Cid sprawled face down on the sand.He tries to shriek a profanity of your choosing but ends up with a mouth full of sand.Cait Sith is seen jumping up and down yelling happily, "Let's do that again!!!"

At which, Sephiroth holds out his arm and slams Cait off his mog, saying under his breath, "Let's not."Cloud nods in agreement as he pulls a trout out of his pants.

Yuffie smiles coyly as she says, "Is that a fish in your pants, Cloud, or are you just happy to see me."

Meanwhile, over at the Thgie Tribe, you see a romantic scene as Squall gracefully carries Rinoa out of the crashing waves.The scene is quickly ruined by Zell's head popping out of the water yelling, "Again, again," while clamping his hands as though he were some kind of a deranged Teletubby.

Irvine is seen doubled over something crying.Quistis walks over, places her hand on his shoulder and asks, "What's wrong Irvine, did a shark bite you."

Irvine looks up with anime sparkles in his eyes and big huge teardrops whining, "My porno magazines are ruined!I want to go home!!!"He then notices Quistis' nearly see through wet shirt and smiles devilishly saying with new hope, "Never mind."Quistis quickly slaps him, kicks sand in his face, and walks away obviously pissed.

~A Few Hours Later~ Since it was sunset before – you would think it would be dark now - but you would be wrong for things happen differently on the island closest to Hell!(And besides it's much more convenient for us!)

The camera turns to Cid standing under the glaring sun showing his plans for their camp."We shall call it – ROCKET SHELTER!" the passion emanating from his voice nearly drowning out Rufus's whining for room service.

Cloud looks over Cid's shoulder and says, "Great Cid, now how are we going to make it? And do you really think we need Internet access via coconuts and bamboo."

Cid looks up, fury raging through his eyes, "Who's the engineer here, Cloud!Who!If I say we need coconuts, we NEED coconuts!!!"

Yuffie can be heard in the background singing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!!!"You hear a clink of glasses as Rufus and Sephiroth start drinking pina coladas while Rude and Reno fan them with giant leaves.Rufus looks over at Cloud and whines, "Are you done yet, I'm getting hot over here!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, from the Thgie Tribe you hear the chiding voice of Quistis saying, "Squall, add more leaves on that one.Turn that stick left forty-five degrees first.I want it PERPENDICULAR Squall, perpendicular!!!!!No that's parallel!"

The voice of Squall is heard, annoyance growing in his voice, "Whatever." 

Irvine is lying in the sand, arching his head to look up Quistis' skirt, whining, "I wish Selphie was here! She could put together an awesome beach party out here."

Squall looks over at Irvine and says, "Why don't you come over here and help me, Irvine." 

Irvine sighs, placing his cowboy hat over his face saying, "Sorry Squall, but that ain't my department."

Squall Growls and snaps at Zell, "Will you hand me that vine over there?"

Zell, who happens to be standing no less then two feet away from it says, "Can't reach it."

Squall angrily throws down the pile of leaves in which he was holding and yells, "It's not like your trying to save Rinoa, Zell! By the way you could of gotten a rope to save her in the first place instead of coming up to me with you tail between your legs!!!"

Zell looks up and replies, "I'm not Zidane, I don't have a tail! And what is this magical item "rope" you speak of?Does it make your arms longer? Besides, I tried to help Rinoa but it wasn't like she was being cooperative with me or anything!First I told her to give me her hand, then she said she couldn't because she'd fall, then I said then let go and you won't be hanging there anymore!But she didn't seem to think that was a good idea for some reason."

Just then Rinoa's heard shrieking, "SQUUAAALLLL!I NEED SOMETHING!"Squall looks over quickly and asks what."I don't know yet!But I know I'm going to need it in a few minutes!!!"Squall sighs, kicks the shelter which promptly falls down and goes to Rinoa.

Seifer looks over at Squall's handing work and says, "Looks like you screwed up again Squall.As per usual, it looks like I'll have to save the day all by myself.Fujin, Raijin!Come over here and build the shelter!!!"

The camera turns back to our host Zidane Tribal.Behind him you can see Cid standing proudly in front of a perfect replica of the Shinra 26 constructed completely out of bamboo and decorated with coconuts.Cid yells, "It is complete!ROCKET SHELTER!!!!You can even get radio reception with the coconuts!I told we needed some @#%%#$@ coconuts, Cloud!!!!"

Zidane stares at him blankly saying, "Okkkaaaayyyyy.Welcome to the finished "rocket shelter" for the Neves Tribe, the first to complete their shelter.Everybody's obviously has been working hard."The camera pans over to Rufus, asleep on a lawn chair, pina colada running down his chin.Zidane pulls the camera back to face him."Well, lets not hope they've been working too hard because they will be facing their first award challenge, to be immediately followed by their immunity test! Mwhahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!"

Even though you can still hear Zidane's maniacal laughter as the camera turns to focus on Aeris, skipping in with a bunch of wild flowers in her arms."Look what I found, a bunch of flowers and they taste good too!"

Rufus cracks his eyes open and says, "Aren't those poisonous?" 

Aeris looks over, "So that's why I feel dizzy.I just thought I was high on life."Next you see her swoon and then faint falling into Cloud's arms.

Tifa is heard in the background, "She ate those on purpose!" 

Cloud looks up from the fallen Aeris in his arms and says, "We're going to need a fire."Sephiroth appears out of nowhere, hugging a large, empty can of lighter fluid in his arms."Already taken care of!"At which the "Rocket Shelter" is seen bursting into flames.

A horrific cry comes from Cid's lips, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you !@#%#$@!"Next you hear several bleeping noises as Cid utters every profanity known to man, including a few he just made up.

Zidane looks back to the camera and announces, "Now it's time for the award challenge."At which he is hit in the head by a flaming coconut.

By the time Zidane regains consciousness, both tribes have assembled at the middle of the island for the award challenge."Our first award challenge tests your ability to survive in a classic RPG!" He gestures behind him where you see a burning sixteen-bit building.

Irvine cocks his head oddly, "Are those blocks supposed to be fire?"

Zidane replies evilly, "You may not be able to see it but you sure as ever going to feel it!"Zidane chuckles to himself, obviously finding this whole situation amusing._All I need is popcorn._"Inside the burning building you must find THE ITEM!"

Raijin looks at Zidane with curiosity burning in his eyes, "What's the item, ya know."Zidane answers with a smile on his face, "I know but I'm not telling, that would spoil all my fun – I mean our viewers fun!Survivors ready!!Go!!"

All the survivors run into the burning building looking for "the item".Upon entering, Squall grabs the first item he sees, reaching out for what he thinks is a vase he yells finding out that it was actually a block of fire.Sephiroth is running in circles as giddy as a school child, thoroughly enjoying the flaming building!Irvine is seen running through the building shrieking, "Hallelujah!Dirty magazines!They may be in sixteen bit but I can still tell what those are!!!"Rinoa finds a feather duster and run gleefully out of the building, bidding Squall to hurry his behind up.Disgusted, Squall grabs a picture off the wall and runs out after Rinoa as feathers fling into his face.Rufus is yelling at Rude to grab him something while Cait Sith picks up a pair of fuzzy dice.Tifa grabs the first book she sees, afraid that if she stays in the burning building too long the silicon may melt.Cloud persists to open and shut the door until the hinge breaks and he takes the entire door with him. 

Yuffie grabs a cardboard box, hoping that there's something shining inside.She looks in and finds nothing, she pouts and says, "Oh screw it, I'm not looking for anything else."Seifer, seeing something odd moving in the corner, thinking it was a tiny Lego man he grabs it and runs for the now doorless opening in the front.

The camera turns back to Zidane. "Now that our time is up, let's see if they were able to find what I was thinking of! A job that any good RPG character can do!Which tribe is going to win our prize!Please stand in a line."Zidane walks down the line of FF survivors making comments as he goes."No. Nope.Why would I think that?Irvine, your sick.

Seifer, that's not a Lego man, that's a sixteen bit kid!"Seifer replies, "Oops, my bad."Zidane finally stops at Yuffie (who happens to be standing at the end of the line)."That's it!A cardboard box!That is your prize!Congratulations, you won a box!"

Yuffie looks at him in disbelief. "And what else do I win!"

Zidane looks cheerfully in her face and says, "That's it!It will enable your tribe to rebuild your shelter!" 

Rufus looks pissed."How small do you think we are!?"

Zidane quickly turns around towards the camera, easily ignoring the question."Now on to our immunity challenge!"

"Our first immunity challenge is a relay race!In this relay both tribes will have to run through a field full of T-rexars with a steak tied to their backs!Then, navigate through a maze, similar to the one in the temple of the ancients!After that, they will be digging six-foot graves for those who didn't make it!!!!And a bunch of other stuff that I'm not even going to warn you about!!!!"

Fujin stares at Zidane in disbelief and at least tries to whisper, "MURDER."Rufus shakes his head, feeling almost sorry for Rude and Reno.Squall and Cloud stare blankly at Zidane.Zell is shaking with fear and anxiety as he thinks about the meaning of having dead meat tied to your back.

Sensing that both tribes are about to run in opposite directions, Zidane yells, "Survivors ready!Goooo!"They all stare back at him, not moving. Zidane says, "Fine, have it your way," and releases the T – rexars throwing slabs of meat on each of the survivors.

Cid yells, "Hold on to your shouts and don't piss in them!"Cid then takes off out of site.Raijin turns a forlorn glance at the now far ahead Neves Tribe and yells, "Too late ya Know!"

Rinoa turns to her team, her eyes glittering with hope."Wait, I have an idea," as she dashes away from the obstacle course.

Seifer yells, "She's fleeing in the opposite direction!Good idea!!!"Seifer grabs a shaking Raijin and takes off in the same direction as Rinoa.Rinoa stops, throws up her arms and begins chanting in Latin or Gibberish, we're not quite sure since nobody here can speak either.She lowers her arms and a portal for time compression appears.She turns around to the others who are yet to move and yells, "Come on guys!We'll go through time compression and get out on the other side before we even get here!And for goodness sake, somebody hold Squall's hand!We don't want him getting stuck in some freaking desert!"

Zell turns to Squall and grabs his hand."I'll never Squall, I'll never let go!"The theme music from Titanic blasts in the background as they all jump through the portal.

The camera follows the Neves team through the starving T – rexars.Suddenly you hear Biggs yell, "Wedge!Look out!They're chasing us too!"Suddenly the image of Neves, the ground, the sky, and Wedge's shoes flash by before the camera finally settles on the open mouth of a hungry T – rexar.Bigg's deafening cry, "Wedge!!!!Nooo," is the last thing heard on Wedge's camera as the picture fades to black.

Meanwhile, at the end of the obstacle course, the Thgie Tribe emerges from a glowing portal.Quistis turns around and yells, "Okay, count heads!Let's see if everybody is here!"

Everybody looks towards the empty handed Zell and yells in unison, "Where's Squall!"Zell looks at the rest of them worried of getting in trouble, and says slowly, "I let go."Luckily the end of the course is a desert and they see Squall sitting there waiting patiently. 

Squall says, "What took you guys so long?"Quistis was about to answer when the Neves team is seen stumbling over the finish line, bruised and breathless. 

Zidane looks up from a magazine labeled Binary Babes, that he'd been reading."It looks like Thgie crossed the finish line first, sooooo, it looks like Neves will be joining me at the first "TRIBAL Council"!Zidane Tribal rolls on the ground laughing at his extremely funny pun._Handsome, strong, smart – and FUNNY!Gosh I'm hot!_"But first you have to collect your torches and hike up the extremely tall and rocky mountain where'll I'll be waiting for you."At that he steps back into the helicopter waiting for him and heads for the top of the mountain.

Two hours later, on the top of the mountain, a bedraggled Neves tribe comes into view.Zidane begins his introductory speech for his first "Tribal" Council."Tonight, you will be forced to vote one of your own off the island!But first, Cloud, don't you hate Sephiroth!And Cid, didn't Sephiroth burn down your "rocket shelter"!And Aeris, I heard Sephiroth call your hair ugly.And Cait Sith, I bet you can guess who framed Rodger Rabbit!And Yuffie, I bet you can guess who stole all the party's Materia.Yuffie looks up saying, "Oh yeah, that was me – I mean Sephiroth, definitely Sephiroth!""And didn't he kill Aeris?"

Tifa smiles, "That's really not something to hold against him."

Zidane, pleased with himself for successfully turning the tribe against Sephiroth says, "Survivors!Vote! No, no. One at a time.Starting with, uh – Tifa!"

Tifa walks over to the voting place and scribbles Aeris with flowers on the paper.She holds it up and says, "I'm not crazy, I'm not voting against Sephiroth."

Cid walks up next, holds his parchment up to the camera, smirks and says, "I'm voting for Sephiroth.He huffed and he puffed and he burnt my house down!!"The rest of the survivors follow and place their vote in the "confidential jar."

Zidane takes the jar and counts the vote."That's two votes Aeris, one vote Cloud, the rest are Sephiroth!Sephiroth – you are the weakest link!I mean – the tribe has spoken!"He reaches over and snuffs out Sephiroth's torch.

Sephiroth stands up yelling, "What!!!I will not be voted off the island!I will exact my revenge upon you!!! A curse upon your houses – I mean your tribes!!!"Sephiroth is then dragged, kicking and screaming off the island by men in white coats.

Zidane looks around at the remaining survivors, "Goodnight, you have a long walk ahead of you. Tomorrow is another day and a new challenge to face!"Zidane turns to Tifa, "You can stay here if you want Tifa."And the survivor music plays as the credits roll by.

** **

*****General Information*****

The vote tally:

_ _

_Who Voted: Who They Voted For:_

CloudSephiroth

CidSephiroth

TifaAeris

Cait SithSephiroth

AerisAeris (she could not stand to vote against any one so she did the only logical thing – vote for herself)

SephirothCloud

YuffieSephiroth

RufusSephiroth

*****Authors Notes*****

Well there you have it!Another chapter done – and Selphie was mentioned!!Maybe that will be enough to calm the screaming hordes of Selphie fans!!Probably not – but we do predict you will see more of her so keep your eyes peeled – but not literally please – that would just be messy!Just a note of clarification, we originally cut Selphie because we could only use sixteen characters – eight from seven and eight from eight!And we couldn't very well cut Seifer because somebody's such an avid Seifer fan – so we could not possibly cut him or one of his posse members!Jen shrieks, "What cut ONE posse member - they are a pair they go TOGETHER!!!!"Rob, Sha and Kree sighNobody said anything about us cutting Barret from Neves sigh.

Anyway, we would like to thank everyone who reviewed our fic!Reviews make us soooooo happy!!!! Not to mention they make us write faster =)

With that said, may Wedge rest in peace – we hardly knew ye!


	3. Another One Bites the Dust

~Cue Survivor Music~

Disclaimer:All this stuff is still not ours! 

Warning: Minor swearing, sexual innuendo, and jokes in poor taste!The faint of heart and easily offended please turn BACK!Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Final Fantasy Survivor 

Chapter Three: Another One Bites the Dust

By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the Confused, and Robinc

~Cue Survivor Music~

"Welcome back to Survivor!" Zidane announces cheerfully, "In our last breath-taking episode we witnessed Sephiroth cast off the island. Now let's see what challenges await our poor helpless Survivors!" Zidane laughs manically. "Their fate is in my hands!!!" 

"Uh… Mr. Zidane I think the power has gone to your head, Sir" Biggs, the forlorn cameraman who is still not over the loss of his fellow cameraman, Wedge, says quietly.

Zidane throws his hands up in the air and declares evilly. "I know and I like it! They can do nothing for they are my willing puppets!!!" At the very same moment lighting strikes in the background. "Now what was I doing? Oh, right I was hosting a show." Trying to regain his composure Zidane smiles at the camera and says, " Oops…got a little carried away."Biggs merely nods."Alright, back to the show!Let's see how our intrepid Survivors are doing after last night's first harrowing 'Tribal' Council."

The camera pans over to the disgruntled Neves tribe.In the background the remnants of "Rocket Shelter" still smolder.Yuffie is seen sleeping with her head in the box she won from the award challenge.Cid weeps in the background over his fallen Rocket Shelter as Cloud comes over and taps him on the back saying, "There, there.No use crying over flaming coconuts."At this, Cid sobs even harder.

The camera pans over to Rufus gleefully dancing around on the beach with the Shinra flag."Everybody else's stuff may have burned to the ground but my stuff is okay so all is well!!!"Cid looks up, fury flashing in his eyes as he marches over to Rufus intending on kicking his presidential hiney all the way back to Midgar!Half way to doing so, inspiration hits Cid like a ton of bricks.Visions of a new shelter dance in his head as he eyes Rufus' flag greedily.With a Cheshire cat grin, Cid suddenly spins on his heal and rushes to the ocean instead.He then proceeds to break a coconut in half and fill it with ice-cold salt water and runs like a chocobo in heat back to where Rufus is standing.Laughing manically he pours the coconut's contents out on the young presidents head.

Rufus then is heard screaming like a schoolgirl in a bad B movie."My hair! My hair!!!My beautiful HAIR!!!!"With Rufus distracted, Cid grabs the flag from the flailing president and dashes off to the former site of Rocket Shelter laughing like Hojo with a new pet project.Rufus begins to attack Cloud mumbling incoherently.The only words that can be made out are:hair… spray, gimme, and now!!!!!!!!Cloud stares at Rufus confused wondering who this limp haired man could possibly be.

The two continue to fight until Tifa is heard shrieking, "Cait, how could you!"followed by a shower of half eaten rice.Both men look over (or Rufus at least tried too look through the mass of limp hair draped over his eyes).They turn to the horrific sight of a bloated Cait Sith lying prostrate in the sand.Empty bags of rice are scattered all about.Tifa continues to kick the round-bellied cat down the beach like a ball.

Suddenly roused from her sleep, Yuffie throws the box off her hitting Aeris in the head."Cait!This is completely unforgivable!It's not like stealing somebody's materia, or some minor infraction like that!You don't even NEED to eat!!!!!"

Zidane is still too consumed by his own self-glory to even notice the shrieking of the Neves Tribe as they hang Cait by his tail from the nearest palm tree.Zidane shakes his head, trying to deflate his ego for the time being, as he turns back to the camera."Neves seems to be taking their loss rather well, so lets see what the Thgie Tribe is up to."

The camera zooms in on the peaceful early morning scene of the Thgie Tribe.Everyone is sound asleep.Rinoa is using Squall as a human pillow, as Irvine and Seifer try to snuggle in between Rinoa and Fujin.Zell is drooling on himself in the corner mumbling something about hotdogs as Fujin wakes up punching the snoring Raijin and falls back onto Seifer's chest, yelling "LOUD" as she falls.For a moment Raijin cracks open an eye and mutters, "Yes you are Fujin, ya know."And falls back into a very noisy sleep.Quistis enters the scene racking Irvine's shotgun, her favorite self help book under placed firmly under her arm.

The Thgie tribe promptly jumps to their feet as Quistis shrieks, "Get up everybody!The sun will be up in an hour or two!!!!"Squall rolls over groaning and Quistis nudges him with the barrel of the shotgun, "Wake up Squall," at which Squall pulls out his gunblade, pointing it at the cheerful instructor.Squall begins to flail the blade around, half asleep forcing Seifer to roll out of the way as the blade lands where his head had been only moments ago.

Rinoa quickly grabs the gunblade from Squall and says seductively, "Don't wave that thing around.You don't want to over do it.Especially when your not at your best."Squall then smiles sheepishly and puts his long and very large implement back wherever the heck he puts it.

Quistis then starts chanting in a rather lovely tune, "Squall - fetch some wood, find some matches, start the fire, make me tea, cook the rice, get your pants on, get a move on!"

Squall rolls his eyes and says his favorite phrase, "Whatever."

A few moments later a cranky and sleep deprived Thgie tribe gathers around the fire.Quistis smiles, lovingly hugging her self help book as she turns to the group."I'm sure your all wondering why I didn't call this meeting sooner.It's about time we get to know each other.Explore our feelings and really open up." 

Irvine looks interested and says slyly, "Why Quistis, feel free to open up to me any time."

Zell, missing Irvine's innuendo, turns to Quistis. "But I already thought we knew each other!"

Quistis looks baffled."But do we REALLY know each other?For instance, Squall, what is it you see in an airhead like Rinoa?"All the men in the group giggle.Quistis ignores them and continues to question everyone in their tribe."Zell, how do you manage to remember to breath?Seifer, are you gay?"At that question Fujin faints and Raijin stares at Seifer in a new light.

Seifer glares at Quistis shrieking, "Alright, enough question and answer time!The only thing GAY here is the stupid _Faggie_ tribe and Chickenwuss over there!!!"Seifer stomps off.A few minutes later Fujin is seen stealthily sneaking off in the direction he went.Everyone then wanders off doing their own thing leaving a pouting Quistis behind with only her self-help book to comfort her.

Zidane returns before the camera smiling widely, pleased to be once more the focus of attention."Now that we know how our tribes are fairing lets follow Quistis' example and get know how our survivor really feel about each other."The camera fades to black and then fades in to the heavenly picture of Aeris, "I really liked getting to know Tifa.She's been following me around everywhere and always has something funny to say.Gosh, I love her sense of humor.We joke about each other all the time.And Cloud has been so sweet.Like just the other day he wanted to know what a pretty girl like me is doing on an island like this.Then he asked me what my sign was.So thoughtful and fun.He always wants to talk about me.And Cid is very…"

"That's great Aeris, but we don't want to here nice things."Zidane switches his tale, "I…I mean the viewers at home only want to hear the juicy gossip.Go pick some flowers somewhere."The camera then pans over to Cid standing with his arms outstretched to his completed SHELTER 2!!!Cid turns around to the camera asking, "Me?What do I think?I think the shelter is beautiful!!A true work of art!!!And that Sephiroth is a &%^&$#&#%*&$%@&!!!I'm voting for him again!I don't care if he's already off the island!!!"

Zidane stares disbelievingly, "Okkkkkaaaayyyyy.Let's just see what Thgie thinks – maybe they are more interesting."

The camera then turns to Seifer. "Do I look gay to you?!!!!!!I carry a gunblade around for goodness sakes!!!I offered my life to m'lady!!!I'm a knight!!I'm every girl's fantasy!!I could have any girl I want, you hear!!!" He then hits the camera with the Hyperion.

The new camera turns to Irvine lounging about in the sand."Let me tell you about my romantic dream.It involves me, a tropical island and a bunch of BEAUTIFUL ladies!!!!!I'm half way there!!!Just have to get rid of Squall, Seifer, Zell, and Raijin (ya know). 

Zidane, obviously annoyed that nobody has anything interesting or new to say grumbles at the camera, "Let's just see what Thgie's doing."

The Thgie Tribe is gathered around the campfire again, only this time they are telling scary stories.Zell is then heard crying in fright at the climax of the last story about what hotdogs are really made of.Squall groans, "Oh, great now none of us are ever going to get any sleep tonight!" 

Seifer rolls his eyes, "You are such a defeatist Squall!I guess its up to me to save the day AGAIN!!Hey Chickenwuss listen up!Irvine was lying to you, everyone knows that's really not where hotdogs come from!Hotdogs really…. um… grow on trees!Yea, magic trees deep in the forest tended by stupid, spiky haired elves!"

Zell sniffs and says hopefully, "Really?"

"Really, now shut the heck up and go to bed!"

Zidane steps out of the darkness allowing the firelight to cast eerie shadows on his face, "No I don't think so. You have an award challenge to begin."Zidane then smiles sadistically and says, "Come, follow me."The Thgie Tribe exchanges glances and reluctantly follows their host into the dark forest – Zell carefully inspecting each tree they pass.After hiking for a few hours they arrive in a clearing where the Neves Tribe is already waiting for them.Zidane puts on a long dark cape and says in a bad Transylvanian accent, "Your award challenge is to RAISE THE DEAD!!!!!!!You must go out and find our lost cameraman, Wedge!The first tribe to dig Wedge's body from this large pile of … (coughs and mutters under his breath)T-rexar droppings – and throw a phoenix down on him, will be our winner."

Cloud stares in disbelief, "Did you just say dig through a large pile of uh T-rexar shi-"

Zidane interrupts quickly "No time for questions!!!Survivors ready!!Go!!!"

As Zidane yells go, Rufus shoves the startled Rude and Reno into the pile of T-rexar scat.All the women (besides for our favorite Fujin, You go girl!)stand back, letting the men do their dirty work.Seifer grabs a large handful of dinosaur crud and chucks it at Squall who promptly ducks the feces that flies over his head.The crap then hits a horrified Rufus in the face, who would have screamed if not for the fact that opening his mouth at that moment could be extremely hazardous to his health.

Quistis yells, "Seifer, Squall, stop playing with that pooh and dig!!!"Seifer and Squall both grab handfuls of prehistoric excrement and chuck them at Quistis who shrieks.

Fujin is then heard above the laughing, yelling, "BODY" as she pulls Wedge from the fuming droppings.Rinoa then throws a phoenix down on the downed camera man making the Thgie Tribe the winners of the reward challenge.

Zidane then appears out from behind them, a cloth to his nose.His smile still growing from when they last saw their host."Very good Thgie Tribe!You win our reward challenge!Send a representative to come claim your prize…which is ten pounds of CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!!!MWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!Oh, and a bottle of shampoo!"The entire Thgie Tribe turns three shades of green and continues to groan in disgust.Zidane smiles at them sweetly, "Well, I hope you all worked up a good appetite because now it's time for your immunity challenge!!!!!!!!!!Survivors, follow me!"Biggs pulls a cloth covering two tables full of odd assortments of food (which is setting no less then 2 feet away from the award challenge sight).Zidane turns back to the survivors, "Each of you must spin this wheel and eat the delicacy it lands on!"

Fujin stares at Zidane with contempt burning in her eye, "SADIST."

Quistis then taps her on the shoulder, "No need to worry, I can eat anything!"

Zidane turns to the Neves Tribe."Okay Cloud, your first!."Reluctantly Cloud spins the wheel.The arrow lands on meat loaf.Grimacing Cloud holds his nose and proceeds to gobble the meat loaf down.Rufus then walks up spins the wheel which then lands on T-rexar dung.Rufus then smugly replies, "No thank you I've had my fill."Rufus then leaves.Aeris walks up and with a shaking hands, spins the wheel.Luckily the wheel lands on candy bar and she gleefully gobbles it down.Tifa then follows and is aghast when a marboro tentacle comes up.

Zidane quickly moves in saying, "How'd that get there!"Then he replaces it with an apple. 

Cid then spins the wheel and is forced to eat a chocobo eye.Licking his lips he walks back to his tribe mumbling, "Ha!Better than Shera's cookin'."

Cait Sith then spins the wheel which lands on rice.Groaning, Cait Sith says, "No way, too full!"And bounces back to a furious tribe.Yuffie then enters the scene and receives Sylkis Greens as her meal for the evening.

Zidane now turns to the Neves tribe and says, "Now, since your down one man, one of you is going to have to eat twice!!!"Zidane chuckles evilly and points to Cloud.Cloud gravely accepts defeat and spins the wheel one last time.It lands on a cup of worms.Turning oddly pale, Cloud reluctantly eats the writhing contents of the cup.

"Alright!Now it's Thgie's turn!"The camera turns to the mortified Thgie Tribe as Zell happily jumps up to the wheel.The pointer lands on hotdog which of course, he gleefully eats.Squall spins the wheel and receives chocobo brains for his dining pleasure.Squall mumbles, "Whatever" and swallows it whole.

Rinoa then follows and is relieved to find that she only has to eat dog food.Smiling she says, "I like Angelo's dog food at home!"And eats it.

Irvine then spins the wheel which lands on a little moogle."I can't eat that!It's lookin' at me!Look at it's little face!And it's saying kupo!"Irvine leaves crying.

Raijin then spins the wheel.It lands on a chicken head.Smirking, Raijin says, "No problem!I once ate Fujin's cat on a dare!"

As he swallows the chicken head, Fujin yells, "WHAT!FLUFFY!"

Fujin's turn comes and she spins the wheel quickly, hoping to return to killing Raijin very soon.The wheel lands on a mewing kitten.Fujin stares in horror, walks over to the cat, picks it up, andproceeds to lunge at Zidane.

Seifer then grabs her and says, "Just keep the cat, Fuu. Quistis and I are the only one's left to eat.We have this challenge won."Seifer walks over, spins the wheel efficiently and receives a candy bar.He smiles proudly and walks away chewing.

Quistis then follows and smugly spins the wheel, which lands on spam."Ahhhhhh!I can't eat SPAM!!!It's not even real meat!"

Seifer then yells, "C'mon Quistis!Eat it already!"

Quistis spins on him."That's not fair Seifer!You didn't make Fujin eat the cat!!!"

Seifer responds, "Spam is not a cat!!!"

Quistis cocks her head to the side, "You never know, it might be!"

"Let me rephrase that.Spam is not a living cat!!!"Seifer yells loudly.

Quistis grimaces and reluctantly puts the mystery meat in her mouth.As she tries to swallow it she begins to choke.Zell runs over and gives Quistis the Heimlich maneuver.The spam then flies out of her mouth and lands next to Squall's shoe on the ground.Zidane pipes in, "You know you could still eat that!"

Quistis then screams, "NOOOOOOOO!"And the Neves tribe is heard rejoicing in the background.

Zidane shakes his head at Quistis and turns to her tribe."It looks like you'll be joining me for your first "Tribal" Council tonight!Grab your torches and get to hiking!Don't keep me waiting long, I'm tired."Zidane then jumps in a buggy with the two camera men and drives to the top of the mountain.

A few hours later, Thgie limps up to the top of the mountain.Zidane turns to them."Since this is your first Tribal Council, let me explain this to you. You must now turn against one of your friends and banish them from the island!!!"Zidane snickers to himself_ – I love this part!"_Seifer – Didn't Quistis tell everyone you were gay?"

"I'm not gay!!!!"yells Seifer.

Zidane ignores him and continues."Quistis – don't you think it was unfair for Seifer to tried to make you eat spam when he let Fujin get away with not eating a cute little kitten?And Irvine – Squall's not exactly a sexy girl, is he?And Raijin – I heard Irvine say your speech pattern in incredibly annoying!"

"Why would he say that, ya know?"Raijin asks confusedly as he adds, "Besides I can't vote against Irvine – Seifer already ordered me to vote for Quistis, ya know!"

Zidane glares at him and proceeds with his speech."Now, survivors, one at a time, – VOTE!!!!!!!"

Raijin walks up to the voting booth and writes Instructor Trepe, ya know on the parchment.Seifer then walks into the booth and scribbles Puberty Boy.Looking at the camera he says, "Squall ducked when I tried to hit him in the face with T-rexar crap, that was totally unacceptable behavior and I can't allow it!"

Irvine then walks into the booth and holds up his parchment saying, "I voted for Raijin because he looks the least like a beautiful lady."

After Fujin walks out of the booth with a kitten on her shoulder, Zidane grabs the confidential jar and tallies the votes."It's 1 vote Raijin, 1 vote Seifer, 2 votes Squall, and 4 votes Quistis.Quistis, I guess this has been fun!Goodbye, the tribe has spoken."Zidane turns and snuffs out Quistis' torch.

Seifer yells, "How do you feel about that Quistis!"and proceeds to snicker.

Zidane pipes in and comments, "Well, you've all had a rough night and let's just say you don't smell like roses either.So get out here, go take a bath, and go to bed!"The Thgie Tribe turns and heads down the mountain as the Survivor music blares in the background.

*****General Information*****

** **

The vote tally:

_Who VotedWho They Voted For_

_ _

SquallSeifer

SeiferSquall

QuistisSquall

IrvineRaijin

FujinQUISTIS

RaijinQuistis, ya know

RinoaQuistis

ZellQuistis

Also: Fujin's "meal"/new kitten is now named JIN aka Seifer Jr.

** **

*****Author's Notes*****

Sorry, that took so long to get to you all, but Sha was busy in Florida and Jen, Kree and Robinc were busy wining costume contests in San Francisco.Sha smiles and waves Sorry for all the sexual innuendo in this chapter, but I've been stuck in a place with only FIVE cute guys for two weeks and I'm feeling a wee bit kinky! Jen, Kree, and Rob Roll their eyesInfo the reader didn't need Sha!!!Jen shakes head sadly I gotta apologize too, this chapter had like no Rinoa bashing – I'm off my game!!!All sigh Also, this chapter had no Selphie – but you will see her in about two chapters – so don't worry!! We guess that's all!But we want to leave you with this final thought: Aren't you surprised how many ways there are to say crap?!And, as always please review!But please don't give us one-word answers – like crap – or anything synonymous to crap nervous laughter.Thanks!!! 


	4. CATastrophe

Disclaimer: All this stuff is still not ours

Disclaimer:All this stuff is still not ours!Wish it was though… sigh

Warning:Same as before: Sexual Innuendo, mild swearing and jokes in poor taste! We just have a crude sense of humor, don't we?!

Final Fantasy Survivor 

Chapter Four:CATastrophe

By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the Confused, and Robinc

~Cue Survivor Music~

The tropical sunrise paints the horizon pink and the early morning light sparkles on the ocean.A voluptuous figure is silhouetted against the powdery sand.The camera zooms in.Zidane is looking hopeful as the form begins to move seductively toward the camera.Suddenly, the sun rises high enough in the sky to bathe the whole beach in light.Zidane then shrieks in horror as the image melts from a beautiful woman into a tiny little cat wearing a wonder bra with coconuts stuffed in the cups.

Cait Sith smiles and says, "Look at me!I'm Tifa!Boingy, boingy, boingy," as he runs toward the camera in mock _Baywatch_ style.

Tifa comes up behind the cat smacking him on the back yelling, "Cait!!!!I told you to stay away from my bra!!!!!!!!!!!"

Cait turns, pouting as a coconut falls out of one of the cups, saying, "It's not like you ever use it, Tifa!!!!!"

Bitterly disappointed, Zidane turns back to the camera."Well, welcome to another exciting episode of Survivor.Last time, we witnessed the instructor from Hades banished from the island closest to Hell!!!!!!!!!!We turn now to the Thgie Tribe to see how they're dealing with their loss."

The camera pans over to see Seifer prancing around, singing, "Ding dong, the witch is dead!The wicked witch, which old witch!

Fujin joins in, "WICKED"

Raijin joins in, "Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead, ya know!"

The rest of Thgie lays huddled in a hut, peacefully sleeping until the warmth of the sunlight finally rouses them from their tranquil rest.No sooner is Zell conscious than he goes running into the jungle.

"Zell, where are you going," asks Rinoa.

Zell hurriedly replies, "I'm looking for the hot dog tree!!!"

Rinoa shrugs, "OK."Squall walks up behind her, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.He yawns and glares at Seifer and says, "You've created a monster."

Seifer smiles and says, "I know."He then turns to Raijin and says, "Well it seems that Chickenwuss won't be finding us any food, so it looks like I'll have to do it myself.Raijin!Come, fish!"The two walk off to a nearby stream and disappear from view.Fujin suddenly lifts her head and looks around like a lost puppy when she finds there are no posse members in sight.Out of desperation she is then forced to go hang out with – RINOA!!!!!Hanging her head in despair, Fujin grabs her little yellow tabby cat (with blue eyes) and sits by Rinoa.

Rinoa looks up at Fujin and begins a conversation with herself.Cheerfully she declares, "I hate cats.I like dogs.Angelo is my dog!Angelo is cute!You want to see a trick I taught Angelo?!"Without waiting for a reply she whistles and Angelo appears out of nowhere.He then jumps onto her arm and she hurls him at a tree.Angelo lies on the ground with his legs sticking straight up in the air with little X's in his eyes.She then declares proudly, "He can play dead!Good boy Angelo!"She then throws a dog treat at her nearly dead pooch.Fujin gapes at her in horror and clutches her cat protectively._If this is what she does to dogs (and she likes dogs), what would she do to cats?_Standing up quickly she wanders off quickly trying to find someone less abusive to talk too.

She then goes over and sits next Irvine. He tips his hat and says, "Howdy, Fujin.So…What bra size do you wear?"

Fujin smacks Irvine upside the head, shouting, "RAGE!"She then walks away trying to find someone less perverted to talk too.

Next, she finds a nice log where Squall is sitting, polishing his gunblade.She sits down quietly.Squall looks up at her and says, "Whatever."Fujin looks pleased and says, "…."Squall replies, "…."And the conversation goes on for hours.

Zidane looks at the lovely scene. _I bet you if I get Seifer to come back here I could see a dozy of a fight. _Zidane suddenly files an idea away in his mind for later and turns back to the camera smiling evilly."Well the Thgie Tribe seems to be getting along well, let's see how the Neves Tribe is doing!"

The camera fades to the Neves Tribe when a loud explosion is heard and thousands of fish start raining to the ground.Cid is heard yelling gleefully in the background, "Take that you @!$$ ^$%@#@ fish!That's what you get for swimming by my homemade fishing pole!You think you can out smart Cid Highwind, you've got another thing coming!!!!!!!"He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the ocean, yelling, "Incoming!"an explosion is heard followed by another rain of fish.

Cid scoops up the fish and heads back to the camp.On his way back he runs into Rufus.Turning to the young president he asks, "Where the *%$^@ have you been?!"Rufus shrugs, "Oh, collecting food," as he throws an empty Mc Donald's bag over his shoulder.Quickly he reaches down and grabs a coconut and says smugly, "See."

When they reach the camp, Tifa is heard screaming and a coconut comes flying in their direction.Cid yells, "What the &%#$!"They look over and see that Cait Sith has set up a slingshot in the middle of camp and is flinging coconuts with Tifa's bra into the jungle.Tifa screeches, "Cait Sith!I told you not to play with my bra!"

Cait Sith looks at her and replies matter of factly, "Well I would use Aeris' but hers is too small!And besides, she's using it!"Cait Sith repositions the sling and launches a coconut in Tifa's direction. 

Zidane decides to turn back to the camera and say, "Let's talk to some of our survivors – one on one, and see how they're fairing on the island."

The camera fades to show a griping Irvine. "Well I was enjoying my stay on the island until they voted Quistis off!Now there are only two ladies left on the Thgie Tribe!They're ruining my dreams!What about my pain?What about my feelings?What am I supposed to gawk at!?!Now all I've got are Rinoa and Fujin, and Fujin don't count!"Just then, a coconut comes falling from the sky hitting Wedge in the head, breaking the camera, knocking him to the ground. 

Biggs yells, "Nooooo, Wedge!"and comes rushing over to his fallen comrade.

Wedge mutters, "This is not in my contract."

When the camera fades back from and you see Tifa with a forced smile standing with one hand on her hip and the other rubbing a bump on her head."First Cait steals my luxury item, then he chucks a coconut at my face, and he ate all the rice!I'm starving!That cat's got to go!On the other hand, I would be really disappointed if I didn't vote Aeris off!That girl runs around acting all kind and nice trying to trick everyone into keeping her on. But I see what her evil little plan is!She's trying to get with Cloud!Always fainting into his arms and tending to his every need!She probably thinks herself to be his girlfriend or something!!!!!"

Zidane looks at her sympathetically."I know how you must feel.Just remember; if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you."He then turns back to the camera and says, "Let's see how everyone else is doing."

The camera pans over to a happy Yuffie."My strategy is to let everyone destroy each other!I'm going to watch Tifa and Aeris duke it out.Cid and Rufus will take each other out.Cait Sith will be taken out by everybody and Cloud will take himself out!"Yuffie the declares triumphantly,"That makes me the WINNER!!!!" 

Zidane smiles weakly and says, "That's nice."He turns back to the camera, "Let's interview another person from the Thgie Tribe."

The camera then zooms in on Seifer's face."I seem to be pulling all of the weight for this tribe.I built the shelter!I spend all day fishing!And what has Squall done?!"

A wicked smile spreads across Zidane's face, "Weeeeelllll, I can actually answer that question for you."He beckons for Seifer to come over and look in the small viewfinder of Biggs' camera.Seifer's eyes fly wide in rage as he sees a picture of Squall and Fujin sitting next to each other on a log "talking."Squall, being a cat person and all, reaches over and start petting Fujin's kitten.

Seifer jumps up shrieking, "Hey!!!Get your hands off Fujin's pussy!!!!!!"He grabs the Hyperion and rushes back to camp planning to behead Squall.Zidane chuckles and he and Biggs follow Seifer back to the camp.

By the time they get there Squall is lying on the other side of the log with a black eye and Seifer is standing over him menacingly.Fujin is staring at her leader dumb founded.Seifer leans over and grabs Squall by the collar, "I gave you the bitch," he gestures toward Rinoa and her dog and continues gesturing toward Fujin and her cat, "Leave my kitten alone, Leonhart!"

Raijin sets down the fish dipped in chocolate pudding he had been munching on and comes over to Seifer's side, "What's going on, ya know?"

Seifer ignores Raijin and steps back raising his arm and daring Squall to get up and come at him.

Squall leaps to his feet and roars, "What the heck is your problem Almasy?!"Without waiting for an answer he lunges at the blonde and the two hit the ground swinging. 

Zidane kicks back and watches the fight for a few minutes, but quickly interrupts before the two can kill each other."Well, its nice to see your all getting along so well!Its teamwork that really counts in this stage of the game.Speaking of teamwork, its time for our next reward challenge… well actually this reward challenge has nothing to do with teamwork, but hey it was a good transition!Now if you will all be so kind as to follow me." The Thgie Tribe gathers itself up and follows Zidane once more into the jungle.

Cid stands grumbling at the edge of the playing field, "Why the @$&#^ are we always standing here waiting for the #$%&% Thgie Tribe!#^%&% Final Fantasy 8 characters wouldn't understand timing if it bit them in the ass!!!"Just as Cid finishes his little rant the Thgie Tribe appears from out of the jungle.

"I beg to differ," Seifer smirks, "We just know how to make a dramatic entrance."

Zidane ignores Cid's cursing and says, "Alright Survivors listen up! I'm about to explain your next challenge.Oh, ladies you can sit this one out, your only job will be to cheer for your teammates."Zidane gestures toward a log where they can watch the challenge.Surprised, the women walk over to the log and sit down."This reward challenge will test your courage as no other has before!It will require skills and a level of bravery few men posses!"Zidane looks at the men solemnly, "Before I go on each team must now pick one person to represent their tribe."Zidane steps back allowing the Survivors to talk amongst themselves.

Cloud looks around at his team, "Well , I guess since I'm the leader I'll go."He reluctantly walks over to Zidane.

Irvine starts pushing Squall toward Zidane, saying, "Now look how noble that was!The leader, the leader should go!"

"Alright, now that you've chosen your representatives let me explain the challenge to you."Biggs pulls a cloth off two giant chests - one-labeled Neves and the other labeled Thgie."When I give the signal each team will dash over to their respective chest and pull out the supplies inside.You will then have five minutes to dress your chosen representative in drag!!"

Squall turns around and tries to flee.Seifer grabs him saying, "I always thought you looked like a girl puberty boy."

Zidane continues, "The team who creates the most beautiful drag queen wins the challenge!Our illustrious cameramen and myself will be the judges.Survivors ready!"

Cloud smirks saying, "I've done this before, you know, I'm a pro!"

Squall shrieks, "NOOOOOOO!!!"

Zidande yells, "GOOO!!!!"

Neves dashes toward to the trunk and throws its contents to the ground as Thgie tries desperately to drag Squall down the field.Giving up Irvine hits Squall over the head and carries him to the chest.

Five minutes later Cloud walks over to the judges downed in a beautiful silk dress, with a diamond tiara in his blond wig.He bats his painted eyelids and waves at the judges.Zell and Irvine drag a comatose Squall before the judges with a red dress draped over him like a toga.Irvine had painted his face in a style somewhere between a cheep hooker and a clown, Raijin had replaced Squall's silver stud earring with a large cubic zirconium chocobo, and Zell had done his hair with a hundred tiny pink bows as Seifer merely stood to the side laughing and pointing.

Zidane holds his sides laughing, "Is that Sexy cologne I smell, Cloud?"

"Darn straight it is!"Cloud says through painted red lips.

Zidane, Biggs, and Wedge pace back and forth between Cloud and Squall pausing to fall over laughing every time they look at Squall.Biggs caulks his head to the side, "I don't know they did put on Squall's eyeliner rather well."The three judges huddle together and Zidane comes away laughing.He then turns to the Survivors and says, "Looks we have our woman!Neves you are the winner of this reward challenge!"

Seifer falls over laughing, "Squall how could you have blown this, you looked like a woman in the first place?!"Seifer grabs the comatose Squall and forces him to dance around.Mocking Squall's voice Seifer sings, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty and witty and gay, whatever!"

As soon as Zidane stops laughing he says, "And your reward is… 69 boxes of Hoho's and a crate of bananas."He rolls around on the ground laughing until Squall regains consciousness.As soon as he hears Squall shriek when he discovers what he is wearing Zidande stands up and says, "No Squall you don't have time to change its time for the immunity challenge!!!"He beckons for all of the Survivors to follow him.When they arrive in a clearing with a giant bull's eye at the end he turns and says,"Tonight's Immunity Challenge was inspired by our furry friend Cait Sith.You will have to make a sling shot from your lady team member's undergarments and use it to filing coconuts toward that bull's eye down there.The team who manages to get their coconuts closest wins immunity while the losers have to join me at tonight's "Tribal" council. 

Fujin glares at Zidane and growls "PERVERT."

Rinoa shrugs and says, "Hey someone, help me get this thing off will you?"Irvine jumps forward and Squall hits him in the face.

Tifa shakes her head, "Sorry guys, Cait Sith lost my bra your going to have use Yuffie's and Aeris'.'"

Reluctantly, Yuffie and Aeris hand them over and Cloud ties them together to make a giant sling shot.

Raijin jumps over to Fujin and starts grabbing for her undergarment, "Come on Fuu, give it to me, ya know!"Fujin knocks him on the ground leaving him with a black eye.

Seifer walks over, "Come on Fuu take one for the team! I would make puberty boy use his but he seems to have forgotten it today."Reluctantly she hands it to Seifer.Irvine jumps up grabbing both undergarments and fashions them into a giant slingshot.

Zidane pipes up, "Alright guys, who's going to be shooting for each team!"

Irvine shrieks, "ME, ME!I am Thgie's resident sniper after all."

Cloud shoves Cait forward but Cait runs away shrieking, "NOOO!You yelled at me before, I don't wanna!" 

Tifa balls up her fists and yells "Do it Cait Sith!"

Cait sticks out his tongue, "You can't make me!" 

Zidane steps forward yelling, "Survivors ready? Go!!" and Cait hides behind Aeris.Rolling his eyes Rufus shoves Rude (who happens to be wearing a little name tag that says Rufus Shinra) forward.

Both teams fire but Irvine's projectile falls closer to the bull's eye.The cowboy jumps up and down yelling, "Yea, I knew I was gonna win. I have plenty of experience handling coconuts!"Irvine winks and adds, "Hey can I keep these?"Fujin kicks him in the shin and retrieves her property.

The Neves team turns and glares at Cait Sith.Zidane interrupts the cat's murder saying, "Well I guess you guys will be keeping me company tonight, you know the way."With that he and the cameramen jump on a gold chocobo and head for the top of the mountain.

Hours later Neves arrives at the top of the mountain.Zidane tears himself away from the episode of Trabian Big Brother he is watching on a small hand TV and greets the survivors."Well, given today's events I really don't think it is going to be necessary to go through my usual speech, so lets just get down to the point."He is distracted by the flickering light of the TV.Looking up during a commercial he mumbles, "Oh, yea Survivors vote!"

Tifa walks over to the voting booth and draws a picture of a cat with an X threw it."This is the last time you play with my underwear kitty!"She continues with a dreamy look, "Not that I would mind Cloud doing so."Tifa suddenly scribbles all over the paper and flips it over.She then holds the paper up to the camera saying, "I'm sorry I can't do this. I just have to vote for Aeris!It is the principle of the thing!"

Rufus then approaches the booth.He scrawls a name on it and holds it up to the camera."I really don't want to see Cait Sith go. He has been so annoying that everyone seems to have forgotten I am a villain… I'm afraid once he leaves Neves will focus its ire on me… the helpless villain in a team full of do gooders!"He sighs and jams the parchment in the confidential jar."

Yuffie then walks into the booth, scribbles Cait, and whines, "You ate all the rice you evil beast!I'm hungry!!!!!"

All of the Neves team votes and them waits around staring at one another until Zidane's show comes to a commercial break.Quickly, Zidane rushes over to the jar and tallies the votes."Looks like we have one vote Cloud, one vote Tifa, two votes Aeris, and the rest Cait Sith…" Zidane pauses, "Wait there is one vote Septhiroth in here!"

Everyone glares at Cid who shifts in his seat, "What?!It's a ^$@$# confidential jar, you don't know it was me!"

Zidane scratches his head, "Well then that means we have one vote Cloud, one vote Tifa, one vote Sephiroth, two votes Aeris, and two votes Cait Sith."Zidane puts down the TV and perks up instantly interested, "We have a tie!That means we have to go to past votes.Zidane pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket."All told, Aeris you have a total of… two votes from the previous council meeting and Cait you have… NONE?!"Zidane looks shocked, "Aeris it looks like you have been voted off the island."He turns to the rest of Neves confused and asks, "Is that your final answer?" as he snuffs out Aeris' torch.Aeris waves bye-bye sweetly and dashes down the dark path into the forest.Cloud jabs Cid in the side who is sitting there with his jaw hanging open, "What the #%%#@, that wasn't my fault I didn't vote for her!"

Zidane, mouth still hanging open in shock turns to the Neves Tribe, "Well, that caught me by surprise!Wow, Cait you sure dodged the bullet!"The hum of the television catches Zidane's attention once more and he stops to scoop up his precious hand held device."Well, that's all.Get outta here your making me miss my show!"With that a stunned Neves tribe descends the mountain and the Survivor theme music begins to play. 

*****General Information*****

The vote tally:

_Who VotedWho They Voted For_

CloudCait Sith

CidSephiroth

RufusCloud

TifaAeris

Cait SithTifa

AerisAeris

YuffieCait Sith

*****Author's Notes*****

Hope ya didn't see that one coming!Sorry Aeris fans.We had originally intended to give Cait Sith the boot, but we changed our minds at the last minute cuz… well cuz we can!Still no Selphie, but she is coming – not next chapter but the one after that if all goes according to plan – tee hee!


End file.
